You have tried everything to change the conversation. You aren’t alone.
Please help my partner change
Clients don’t know why they feel lonely in the same room with their partner or why intimacy has dropped off. They don’t know how or why they keep getting stuck having the same argument. They have tried “everything” to change the conversation, and it hasn’t worked.
Most often when I ask people what they need, they tell me all about what their partner can do differently.
Blaming doesn’t help relationships, AND there is wisdom in what you are trying to accomplish. You can feel when the connection is off and you want to get closer again.
Couples know they need better communication skills… but what skills and how to implement them is not clear.
People just don’t have the language to express: “I need him to validate what I am feeling so I don’t feel crazy and alone.”
Partners often don’t know how to respond to their partner’s needs when requests like this are made. The standard backups are fixing, giving advice or controlling. These erode closeness when used too much.
If communication problems have gone unaddressed for too long there may be a big rupture to repair, trust to gain back.
Earning trust back and reestablishing connection IS possible.
I don’t let couples sit in front of me arguing. I help them to get good at it.
It takes skill to disagree, respect differences and to shift out of right vs wrong.
There are specific sets of communication skills that impact closeness and conflict management. I will teach these to you and help you use them. This starts from the beginning so that you can feel safe.
We use your body as a tool. Automatic responses happen before you know it. You didn’t mean to snap about the toilet paper roll, but you couldn’t control yourself. We build safe contact with your physical experience of emotions so you have skill to recognize and respond differently.
We ground new ways of responding in your body so pausing and shifting your response comes naturally.
I’ve taught these and more skills to couples just like you, and they work.
Yes, We Need to Talk About Your Parents
No, it’s not all we talk about.
This is part of learning about who you are. You learned how to be in relationship from your parents through witnessing them interact and through your relationship to each of them. Whether we strive to act opposite to parents or like them, we act in response to them.
The patterns you picked up were a natural result of your upbringing. Without acknowledgement, these structures have power. Unconsciously, they control your choices. This is not your fault, but you are responsible for what is not working in your relationship.
When we talk about family history, the most common thing I hear is, “I knew about all of that but never thought that it was impacting me or us like that.” “We have never talked about it like that.” Couples report a greater understanding of what is important to each other.
Knowing your history and specific ways it impacts you in relationship is one component that will help you regain the connection you seek. It helps you gain an understanding of why certain needs are more important to your partner than others.
You Will Probably Resist Changing – And We’ll Help You Through That
Hard things are hard.
Change is hard. It’s humbling. It takes openness to accept a new view of yourself and to take responsibility for actions that may have hurt the one you love. (Remember, I focus on not blaming you but seeing what the wise parts of you are trying to ask for.)
Couples that take the work of therapy home and practice have the greatest amount of change in the shortest amount of time. We celebrate successes and troubleshoot when things don’t go as planned.
Sure, it takes some hard work and consistency, but what important thing in your life doesn’t?
I’ll support you and your partner to make the relationship saving changes that fit for you both.
There is a pattern!
Left untreated, the pattern you get stuck in has power to destroy relationships.
This pattern is very difficult to see without an outside perspective and understanding of how the pattern works.
I will help you see your relationship’s pattern!
Once you truly understand it, you can interrupt it and even head it off before it starts!
You can have a vibrant relationship with a general sense of security and ease!
The work we do together will last a lifetime. It’s more than problem solving– it’s reconnecting.
This work gives you a foundation to tackle whatever life throws at you.
You are here because you see warning signs! Don’t wait while communication problems whittle your relationship away to destruction.